Liars!

According to a Reuter's story, the Iraq contingent of al Qaeda has denied involvement with a suicide bomber attack that killed a bunch of Iraqi children yesterday. The article says the al Qaeda release said they're considerate of non-crusaders and, apparently, their police and military puppets, I mean followers, as the article says you call them.

Let me remind you, the crusades ended in 1270. That's seven-hundred and thirty-five years ago, dumbasses. Certainly you don't think we're still carrying on in that mode? OK, you've got to have a handle that evokes some emotion. Call us "crusaders" then. I suppose it could be worse.

Then, let me remind you that your suicide bombers tend to kill more Iraqi and other innocent citizens than coalition forces, I mean, crusaders. Your dumb, brainwashed, zombie suicide bombers wander into markets and down busy streets, where the ordinary people are. They cannot get onto the bases and into the other places where the crusaders are, so they get close, or go where they think they'll draw sympathy from the media and people who aren't there.

Sure some attacks are on military outposts. I'm sure the poor slob who pulled off the attack mentioned in the article was thinking he'd take out the military people, and didn't even think about the children to which the military were so nastily probably giving chocolates and toys.

If you truly mean to leave those who are not crusaders, their followers (including the police and Iraqi military), and diplomats who allow or support the occupation, here's how you go about it.

Again, here I am giving advise to the terrorists.

My standard advice still stands; quit being stupid. If you start behaving, the crusaders will leave. If you continue misbehaving, they'll only reinforce their resolve to stay and help the innocents.

I digress...here's my solution to your problem.

Have about half of your suicide bombers gather in a big rugby-like huddle. Build up some spirit and tempo, cheer, yell, shout. Whatever gets their blood flowing.

Let them set off their bombs. Right there in the huddle. Boom. Poof. Those represent the suicide bombers who are doing nothing more than blowing themselves up, perhaps injuring others, but not killing anyone who isn't in the target group of crusaders and such.

Really, if you're not targeting innocents, these martyrs will have accomplished as much as they have been, but without hurting anyone not targeted. They will have just earned their passage into the afterlife that they deserve and have hoped for. They'll probably have more impact as a huddle than individually. I mean that literally and figuratively; the combined explosion will leave a larger crater, and everyone will take notice of the bulk of bombers that went off together.

Then take the other bombers in small to large groups and drive them by bus to near the crusader's outposts. Send out plenty of warning ahead of time, maybe with a speaker on the bus or a big sign; you know, to get the innocents out of the way. Have them all start the fuses and timers on their bombs and send the whole group running at the coalition forces.

Now, some of them might make it close enough to hurt a coalition (I'm sorry, again I mean crusader) serviceman, or a police officer following the crusader, or a diplomat or other leader who is supporting the crusaders. Most of them, I'm sure, will only make it close enough to get things dirty. Some won't make it close enough to do any harm at all.

I'm not suggesting that anything more will come out of this than does by the random attacks that are going on now. In fact, I'm saying that still the results will be the same. Yes, it will probably be the case that some crusaders will be killed, more will be harmed, and many, many more will just continue to be dismayed at your efforts.

Those groups of bombers will still have accomplished what they're setting out to do, and probably in the same proportions of success they're currently having. They, too, will have earned their place in the afterlife, and again, the impact (figurative and literal) will probably be larger than it is now. More, bigger craters, bigger fields of human debris, and more curiosity into why you get them to do it.

How, you ask, is this helping? Well, two things.

First if you really mean to take the innocents out of the conflict, then you need to come up with an approach like I've suggested. Now, you may have different information than I do, and therefore should adjust the numbers accordingly; for example, I've stated that half of your bombers only harm innocents. Maybe it's more, maybe less. You use your numbers.

Second is that this will lead to an earlier end of the conflict. Yes, that's right, end sooner. That's a good thing. Really, it is.

"How will it end faster?" you may ask. Yes, you may.

The answer that will please you most is that you might be successful. If you attack en masse, as I've suggested, you'll not hurt any innocents (they'll run away at the urging of sign on the bus or because of the warning on the speaker), and you may get more of the crusaders than you ever have. Some may come rushing forward that would not have been hurt before; heck, they can't read your sign or understand your warning--they might think it's a show of some kind. Your massive onslaught of suicide bombers can't all be shot dead, can they? And if they do, won't their already armed bombs still explode? Imagine the devastation and demoralization that can occur. Imagine the outcry of the media at the sight of so many people doing so much for their beliefs at one time.

The answer that is more likely is that you'll really continue with the same results you have now, but you'll run out of suicide bomber volunteers sooner. Even if you're getting some by more persuasive efforts (read, force) and not so much through volunteering, there just plain won't be as many for as long. You'll run out of steam, you'll see sooner the misguided judgement you've been using, and you'll turn to more productive, cooperative methods to get your job done.

Oh, and let us know beforehand when you are going to blow up half of your bombers at once; we'll make sure it get broadcast on television.